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Coping with Dementia [Alzheimer’s]

I am no expert by any means, but I have very quickly picked up on some dos and don’ts for when dealing with those with a form of dementia and their families from recent encounters from my experience with PapaThese are my thoughts and thoughts alone! Not one of medical professionals, not my family members, just mine. Mine and mine alone.

One. Don’t judge and say something ridiculous like: “I just talked to [your loved one] for a few minutes over the phone and it didn’t seem like there was anything wrong with him/her”. Thanks, I’m glad you came to that conclusion in the two minutes you spoke to him/her. How about being grateful, that alhumdulillah, there are still normal moments around.

Just think for a second [or ask a direct relative if just pondering over it won’t be enough] what it feels like for an immediate family when [the loved one] cannot recognize them, or know where they are at the very least.

We cherish those moments where everything seems right with the world, and those are the moments that get us through the difficult ones.

So far in our case, alhumdulillah, most “days” run smoothly for the most part. It’s the evenings and nights that pose the challenge in more ways than one.

Two. Yes, I understand what [your loved one] is saying doesn’t make sense sometimes. Deal with it, and let it go. Don’t remind him/her that s/he is wrong or correct them. Play along. Say nothing if you must, but please for the love of God don’t make [your loved one] think harder.

Three. Don’t judge the family for what they say to [your loved one] to ease their mind. Chances are, no scratch that– I’M ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE there is a reason behind it and they know better.

Four. If  you are having a conversation with [your loved one], keep it simple. Enough said.

They don’t need to know a whole life story that will probably confuse them later. And they certainly don’t need to be put through a [political/personal debate/argument]. Not necessary. Chances are some parts [or bits and pieces of many different conversations] will stick in their mind and come back later out of context. Not to mention that it’s not good for them to be over thinking either. 

Simple is good.

Again: these are my thoughts, and thoughts alone about my experience. And they definitely don’t apply broadly to every person with dementia/Alzheimers/Sundowning Syndrome.

Everyone copes differently. What works for me? Writing my thoughts and sharing experiences with my family who get it simply because they are experiencing it tooIt’s not something that is easy to explain. Chances are you have heard of someone with Alzheimer’s, but until you experience it first-handed… it’s unimaginable.

I don’t know if it makes sense or not, but my love/admiration for Papa has grown even more. I’m blessed immeasurably to have so many fond memories of/with him that I cling to on difficult days. I just came back on the 17th from Virginia after spending a week with him and unfortunately had several reminders to cherish the moment. That dementia/Alzheimer’s is ugly. I hate dementia with all my heart and soul, but love Papa with every ounce of me.

P.S. Twelve days until my parents and I leave for a trip of a lifetime, inshallah… for hajj! More on that later.


“… among you is he who is returned to the most decrepit [old] age so that he knows, after [once having] knowledge, nothing.” [22.5].

Dementia. I don’t know whether it’s nice to hate something, but I do. I hate dementia. With every ounce of me.

It’s taken away my maternal grandfather mentally from us, and that is something that breaks my heart. The signs were there for so long, but I can’t begin to explain to you the rapid changes in just one month’s time. You just had to see it to believe it. I don’t think I would have believed it if I wasn’t experiencing it in front of my very own eyes about someone so near and dear to my heart. For someone with so much worldly knowledge and experience, to now suddenly succumb to something like this and so rapidly… I can’t put into words how much I detest it.

I don’t say this because our family can’t handle it. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Each person in the immediate family has stepped up their game and done more than their share. And done it because they want to.

Even when in your heart you already know [and we knew], when it was finally confirmed by medical professionals: it was so hard to digest and believe. Or even fathom. How could this be?

This too is a test from Him above, and together we will conquer it. It hasn’t been easy, and I know it won’t. But for someone that I have looked up to from day one? I would do anything I possibly can for him.

In some ways, it truly is like having a newborn/toddler around. You learn to have patience, and sooth their mind. You can’t leave them alone at all, and your senses need to be at the top of their game 24 hours a day. Yes, even at night when sleeping. You do things for them, and help them with other stuff. They lose their independence and they become dependent on you. Worse, they feel like a burden. How in the world do you explain to, no scratch that… not just explain, BUT show them they are anything but? We would go to the moon and back without a second thought.

And just like when a child’s toy is broken and they bring it to you to fix, you wish you could fix this for him just as easily. But you can’t. It’s broken and we can’t do anything about it. We can, only, help him physically, but that will never seem to be enough.

Amongst the family we have been talking about how so often we remember in our prayers our physical abilities, but how often do we pray to retain our mental abilities? Each part of the human body, plays such an intricate role and together makes the human body whole. Even with one deficiency, it’s as if the whole person is effected.

I’ve thought a lot about dementia lately, and every time I see Papa react a certain way, I wonder if he feels it. If he feels confused or senses something isn’t right. We, obviously, know things aren’t right. That he is confused to say the least. But we can deal with it. But I hope to God that to Papa, inside, he doesn’t sense that.

I pray to Allah SWT to make it easy on Papa. To give his mind peace. To give us strength to take care of him in the hardest of days. And that we continue to do it whole-heartedly.

Central New Jersey Heart Walk 2013

Last night, I registered for Central Jersey 2013-2014 Heart Walk by the American Heart Association. I got involved last year and am so glad I did! I was able to raise $360 last year, so I am aiming a little higher and have set my goal for $400 this year.  

It’s unfortunate that I won’t be in New Jersey in October for the actual walk portion of it [my parents and I have made intention for Hajj, inshallah].

Will you help me help a great cause?

July 16, 2005 started off as any other summer day. Except for the fact that we were busy planning Faraz’s high school graduation party to be held the following week on my birthday and we had family arriving from Canada that evening.

It all changed in an instant.

I remember exactly what I was doing in my room when I found out and most of the details of the crazy day that followed. I remember hearing the confirmation it was an indeed a heart attack that my dad just had. I remember calling my brother Ayaz at work to tell him. I remember the questions and the dreaded what-ifs. I remember the wait while my dad was in surgery. Most of all, I remember the long road he faced in the aftermath to recovery. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

I just can’t recall any warning signs. Maybe they weren’t there to begin with? That’s the scary part. It can happen out of nowhere. It can and it does.

Just last year, for example, a cousin of mine in her twenties who lives in Europe had a cardiac arrest in the middle of the night! Her son was a toddler at that point, and to think if her husband hadn’t woken up when he did and essentially helped saved her life… you don’t even want to think of the possibilities.

In her twenties?! Things like that can happen to someone relatively healthy in their twenties?! It’s just so unfathomable to even think about.

That, in part, is one of the major reasons I took up this great cause. Not just because it effected my family, but because of how dire the situation can become in an instant and its consequences are not so great. But we can change that. Who knows, maybe in our lifetime, we will make great strides in the cause.

But we have to come together for the cause first. Do our part. It cannot, and must not, be left on the back burner of issues. Each one of us, I’m sure, knows of multiple people effected by heart disease. The statistics are unnerving.

It’s not just about donating towards such a wonderful cause, but also committing to making that lifestyle change. For ourselves, our well-being and health, and our family. Heart disease doesn’t just effect the individual, it effects the whole family.

We need to start eating better, and living a healthier lifestyle … and just generally taking better care of ourselves. What’s the point of living if you are not going to live right? Some argue, what’s the point of living if you can’t “live a little”. Well, we all could live a little and live a little longer if we just started taking better care of ourselves.

You know what else I remember? I remember the low sodium, bland boring no taste in any of the food diet that ensued following my dad’s heart attack. I don’t know how he ate it and for so long. Would you rather have to be on such a diet on a regular basis or would you rather eat healthy regularly but indulge once in a while? It’s not only about the food we eat [although it’s a large part], but is any food really worth failing health?

How Did You Do It?

How did you do it?

Over the last year, that is, by far, the number one question people have asked me.

If not ask that question, then bluntly say something to the sorts of “my goodness, you’ve lost SO much weight!”

Gee, really?! Thanks. I hadn’t noticed.

Worst, by far: “how much weight did you lose”?

By the way, WHY isn’t “how much weight have you lost” considered as bad as asking someone their weight? Pretty similar, don’t you think? Actually, I don’t know which one is worse. What exactly do you plan to do with that information? And if my answer is just simply “a lot” [each time you ask], here’s a hint: I don’t plan on telling you the numerical value. Just saying.

Why do people, females especially, want to be thin/skinny so badly? Why not healthy (or healthier at least)? And no, they aren’t interchangeable.

Anyways, I am not sure how much is attributed to the year I’ve had, and how much is attributable to what I have done personally… but I’ll leave you with some healthier tips that I have established for myself and have implemented regularly.

At the end of the day, it is truly about living a healthier lifestyle — not weight loss. I honestly and firmly stand behind the fact that I haven’t done anything this past year with the mindset to lose weight: the changes I have implemented are to be healthier overall. I have decided to make the best of a situation and be more positive in the things I can control [and learn to let go of things I can’t].

Diets don’t work. At least not for me. I’ve never tried, and don’t plan on it. I don’t think I know anyone who could honestly say that they were giving up something for good and it didn’t bother them (or tempt them). If I decided I could no longer have something, I’d probably last five minutes. If that.

Honestly, the only thing I have given up is soda. And not for dieting purposes. Instead, again, it’s for health purposes. At first, it wasn’t even on purpose: it had been several months (two I think) when I realized I hadn’t had any soda (or at least very little of it) and didn’t even miss it/want it. I decided to see how long I could last without it, and it’s been a long while. The last time I had even a sip of soda was early April 2012, but even for months before that it was sparse (I’d say November 2011 is when I stopped drinking soda as much). I don’t miss it, crave it or anything like that. I would honestly much rather have water as my choice of beverage: whether at home, someone else’s house, out for dinner, parties, etc.

What works is moderation. Eat what you want, but do portion control. Serving sizes are key.

That dessert you are eyeing and can’t keep your mind off of? Take a bite. Nothing tastes as good as that first bite anyways.

At the same time, make sure you are eating enough is also key! If you asked my family or me, you’d probably be surprised to find out that I probably eat more [and more regularly] now than before.

Eat breakfast. I can’t stress how much of a difference that makes. I was never a morning eater, because my stomach couldn’t handle and/or didn’t appreciate food so early. Well, just like everything else, you get used to it. I am not telling you to eat a huge meal by any means. But eat something. Anything. For me, a cereal bar goes a long way. Fruits are another great choice.

Ironically, skipping breakfast usually leads to over-eating for the rest of the day (and especially that first meal you do end up having that day).

Eat smaller, but more frequently, meals. And no, that doesn’t mean have a dinner size meal throughout the day. It means space out your meals throughout the day, so you aren’t eating too much at once and then going for hours without anything to eat in between.

Eat an early dinner. It’s good for your digestive system, I’ve read, if you eat at least 3-4 hours before you sleep… or something like that. Basically, the point is to give yourself time to digest. Your stomach will thank you for it.

Choose healthier snacks. And meals for that matter. Healthy meals that are good for you don’t have to be boring or taste bad. Make it fun.

Healthy snacks options: nuts, popcorn, fruits. Instead of chips (for which I can’t even remember the last time I had any) and cookies, I “indulge” in popcorn. And chocolate (but more on that later). I also try to eat some fruit daily. In the form of pomegranates when I can find it in season, along with guavas occasionally. Otherwise, I like strawberries, blackberries, and watermelons as well. Apples and pears are also great and very filling.

Comparatively: one serving of Lays Classic Potato Chips, let’s say, has 160 calories (one serving equals 15 chips). 3 cups of Herr’s popcorn, which is what is listed as a serving size, has 150 calories. I’d say even just 2 cups of popcorn is a great portion to eat. I don’t think anyone would be able to eat just 15 pieces of chips. Both have a lot of sodium, but calories wise, popcorn is the winner.

Healthy meal options: lean meats, and light salads are a great choice [rather than rice and red meat]. I have a few recipes as suggestions that I have shared on my blog earlier: tilapia, baked shrimp (or sauteed), grilled chicken pita pockets. Eating healthier by no means should make you feel like you are giving up something. I’ve always preferred lean and boneless chicken, in fact, and probably consume red meat just a hand full of times in a year [if even that].

Another thing: grilled over fried. I’ve always loved grilled food (and lighter food in general), but I also loved my share of fried food. Nowadays, I tend to stay away from fried, greasy, food. Again, not because of any diet, but because of the healthier lifestyle factor. Again, I haven’t given up fried food — I just limit it (to french fries, for the most part, alongside a meal when I go out to eat). Moderation. Am I never going to have fried food again? I wouldn’t last. Am I going to make it a habit? Absolutely not.

Along the same lines, I choose non-stick spray over oil and/or butter. I am not saying that the non-stick sprays are “healthy”, just that they are a better choice. I’ve even read to use chicken broth instead of oil and butter, but haven’t implemented that myself so can’t say much about that.

Previously, my issue always had been no breakfast, snacking all day, and then not eating proper meals. I have learned to use that to my advantage now by making healthier choices and spacing them apart throughout the day. Now, I make a conscious effort to eat the cereal bar for breakfast soon after I wake up. I also eat dinner at 5 PM. I try not to eat anything (heavy) after that. For a long while, I had nothing after dinner at 5 PM. But I’ve made a conscious effort to start drinking [chocolate] milk lately so I usually have that about an hour after dinner. Sometimes, rarely though, I’ll have fruits around 7 or 8.

Stop mindless eating. Eat when you are hungry. As in don’t grab a bag of chips and eat in front of the television. Take a portion size/serving size out in a bowl and eat from that. This way, you know how much you are eating.

Does this mean I eat healthy all the time? Are you kidding me?! I have chocolate pretty much EVERY day. When I said I couldn’t give up anything, I meant it.

MOVE! I am sure exercising regularly goes a long way, but I am writing here about what I did/am doing. And exercise sure isn’t one of them.

I don’t know about you, but I am not a gym person and couldn’t exercise regularly if my life depended on it. What works for me: walking. Especially after eating, I like to take a walk. Walk in the morning, during your lunch break, or at night… or walk inside your own home, if that is what it comes down to, which I what do mostly everyday.

Drink water. Lots of it. The recommended 8 glasses of water per day? Drink that. At the very least! I always (and I mean ALWAYS) have a bottle of water with me. It’s my go-to beverage choice at all times. Nothing quenches your thirst like water anyways.

To each their own, of course. Everyone is different, and thus there bodies are different. What worked for me, may not work so well for you.

As an opposite example, for most people the first thing they would need to control is how much rice and bread and things like that they consume. I am not a fan of rice, and probably have a few bites of it a few times a year (if that!)

“How did you do it?”: I am not sure if there is a magical answer or shortcuts people are looking for when they ask me that… because there is none.

Anyways, this is a long post, but it’s a compilation of what is working for me. At the end of the day, it really is a lifestyle change that makes a difference. I didn’t wake up one day with the mind-sight to lose weight, although it’s been an added benefit, I suppose? It’s not about what you do and don’t do just for now to see a difference. It really is about the long run. Otherwise, you’ll end up yo-yo dieting for the rest of your life. It’s making better choices for yourself and your health, not just simply for the number on the scale.

This healthier lifestyle? I don’t let things get in the way of that for the most part. Which means I plan ahead if I will be away from home or other things may interfere. Setting a schedule, and following through with it regularly, is key.

I’d love to hear your tips and recommendations as well.

Positive Thoughts

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, “Why did this happen to me?” unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.

How true is that?!

Recovering from a viral I caught last month has taken much longer than anticipated for some reason and is still making me very tired very easily. The simplest things are wearing me out a lot of the times (yet I am still not sleeping at night properly ironically).

This has, of course, made me really annoyed lately. I’m so used to just randomly making or baking stuff (I LOVE cooking) or randomly going on simple errands, etc.

I’ve had plenty of time to think lately (because let’s face it, most of the time I haven’t had the energy to do much else), and on a day I was feeling particularly down I came across the quote I started this blog post off with and it just stuck with me!

Let’s face it. Things can be a lot worse. There’s usually someone in your own circle (friends, family, community members, etc.) who is much worse off. We just need to be reminded every so often to think positive.

Right off the bat, one of the positives I can think of for this last month is that I’ve probably taken more naps in the day this past month than I ever have — I can usually never sleep in the day!

P.S. Don’t forget to leave me a comment below on your thoughts! As always, I’d love to hear from you.

I Hate Being Sick

4 blood tests, 4 urine tests, 3 ER trips, 3 IVs, 2 doctor visits, 2 flu tests, 1 X-ray, and 1 cat scan. In the span of 7 days. What a week!

Have I set the record for the times I’ve had to visit the ER in the span of seven days?

I could throw in more number facts in there, but these are just the basics.

If you follow me on Twitter, then you probably already knew that I haven’t been feeling well for the last two weeks.

It started off in the evening of Sept 11, with a sore throat. Annoyed I was getting sick, I took a few precautionary measures right away — drank warm tea, took cough drops, and took over the counter cough medicine.

Little did I know what it would lead to!

By 9 PM that night, my whole body was completely sore and everything just hurt.

By early that night, I was completely sore and had a full body ache. That night I was awake the whole night feeling miserable (and now had a fever and an intense cough).

Then it got even worse! :/

Starting Monday morning, I started throwing up A LOT. Sometimes just randomly, but definitely if I ate or drank something. Either I would throw up right away or get a horrible coughing fit which would result in me throwing up soon after. Plus diarrhea.

Fun, huh?

Went to my doctor Tuesday afternoon and she gave me some anti nausea medicine and told me I had some crazy viral that was going around and that I needed to go to the ER if it didn’t improve because I was losing too much fluid.

So that night would be ER Trip #1.

Six or seven hours, an IV fluid, first of many blood and urine samples, more anti-nausea medicine through the IV later, I would come home being told I had a crazy viral. Really? I didn’t figure that out already. More specifically, a throat infection (viral pharyngitis) plus MAYBE a bladder infection. Fun stuff.

What annoyed me was they didn’t do anything about the main things, just the minor ones. I mean, I would rather be coughing and what not then throwing up so much. Anyways, Tuesday was another miserable night and no sleep.

Wednesday morning, because I hadn’t had anything to eat/drink since Sunday, I tried to eat a cracker before taking the medicines. I figured the IV fluid and the anti-nausea medicine through the IV would have done me some good. But of course not — I was still throwing up.

Wednesday afternoon (the 14th), my doctor called to check how I was doing and when I told her I was still not able to keep things down, she told me to go back to the ER again. More IV fluids, tests, and hours later… I made my way back home from the ER for the second night in a row!

Thank god for my iPhone because without it, I would have lost the little sanity I have left after the past few weeks. It kept me from losing my mind the countless hours I was in the ER (three times over), it distracted me when I needed it most, and because I was pretty much laying down or sleeping most of the time it gave my access to read the news, etc!

A few days ago, I joked that you know I don’t feel well when I haven’t touched my laptop in such a long time! Unfortunately, it’s true.

I’ll follow up soon with another post on the nurses in the ER (at least the ones in my local hospital). It’s been on my mind since the first night I was in the ER.

P.S. Don’t forget to leave me a comment below on your thoughts! As always, I’d love to hear from you.

Drive Thrus’

A modern convenience? or a traditional setback?

Let me start off by noting that I’m not talking all drive thru meals. Of course there are circumstances where you are just getting a quick meal/drink on the go. Or its easier to go through the drive thru lane instead of getting all of the kids out of the car just to put them back in. I get that. I’m not even talking about that!

What I am talking about is everyone being so engrossed in the everyday things in life that people don’t even slow down to eat together anymore.

Instead I’ve seen and heard of so many scenarios where parents are grabbing quick meals for their family and dropping it off to each kid wherever they are.

Wasn’t that the one thing you could always count on? Sitting around the dinner table eating (whether it was home cooked or take out) and catching up on the day’s worth of events?

At least for me, it has always been the one part in the day where it seems everyone stops whatever was consuming their time to eat together… because before you know it, everyone is much older and has a million things pulling at them for attention (school work, work-related stuff, or whatever it may be).

Isn’t it time we all slow down a little? If not for own health’s sake, at least for the sake of maintaining some family time values?

P.S. Don’t forget to leave me a comment below on your thoughts! As always, I’d love to hear from you.

Please Help A Friend

UPDATE: 1/12/11 4:45 PM
My cousin informed me a little while ago that her friend passed away. Please continue to keep her family in your prayers and help financially via means of donations if you are able to.

You can read the original post below:

I hope this reaches all of you in good health. Below, I am including a part of an email I got earlier today from my cousin who is looking to help out a close friend who is battling cancer at a young age. Any support/donation you may be able to provide would certainly go a long way and hopefully will come back to you should you ever need it one day. If you would like more information on how to donate directly, please contact me. Or, I have set up a “donate” button in my left side bar and at the bottom of the blog post for your ease.

Many of you might already know, one of my friends has been in the hospital for a while now and is very weak needing medical attention 24 hours. She was diagnosed with cancer when she was 17 but was holding through. Now she is in critical condition. She’s the oldest of 6 siblings, her youngest sister is three years old the others are all under 20 and it’s not easy for the family at all. Also, Her father passed away about two weeks ago from a brain tumor. You can imagine how hard it would be for the family. Best thing to do is make lots and lots of dua (prayers) for the family. We don’t know why things happen but Allah (swt) puts us through all types of tests and we are also tested from others hardships as well. We should support each other in times of need and make dua for her health and for the pain shes suffering from, dua for sabr and strength for her mom and family, dua for the patience for her family and friends. We don’t realize it but we take way too much for granted.

My request is for financial assistance. Anyone who is able to contribute would be greatly appreciated. They are in need of financial support as well as emotional support. They don’t have family here but everyone’s trying to help in any way they can. Her mother is not in a position to take on employment, having to take care of 5 kids at home and then her daughter at the hospital it’s becoming very hard.

If you would like more information on donating directly, contact me. Or, you can donate by clicking below and a 100% of what you donate will go directly to the family:

P.S. Don’t forget to leave me a comment below on your thoughts! As always, I’d love to hear from you.

I Hate Being Sick

You know what’s worse than being sick for about two weeks? Spending about eight hours in the emergency room while feeling miserable!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – nurses – my god, are they the most patient people or what? I don’t know how they do it. I’m a fairly impatient and stubborn person as it, and to throw in the usual crankiness that comes with being sick… and to multiply that with however many patients the nurses are dealing with at a time…. my goodness.

On Eid, I woke up with a little sore throat that progressively got worse and then I developed a cold (runny nose, sneezing, coughing, the works) from that. That, as annoying as it is to be sick, was manageable with plenty of soup and liquids.

Unfortunately, a few days later it turned into a nasty viral. I went to the doctor’s on Tuesday last week and was told if it didn’t get better within 24 hours, I need to head to the E.R. Well, I waited over 48 hours and then bright and early on Thursday morning headed to the emergency room.

An I.V plus three shots via the IV line, a couple of tests and over eight hours later I made my way back home.

The last week for me has comprised mostly of sleep, plenty of rest, and LOTS of liquids… and fortunately, I feel so much better (just not completely fine yet).

Now, if I could just get rid of this cough too…

P.S. Don’t forget to leave me a comment below on your thoughts! As always, I’d love to hear from you.

September at a Quick Glance

So i’ve been MIA from blogging recently (for like a month!), but that’s because a lot has happened (and has been happening) that has been keeping me quite busy!!

Anyhow, i took my LSATs this morning! The morning started off rough with having low air pressure in one of the tires of the car… and when i eventually got to the building where my exam was… there’s a note telling us to go to a completely different building. I mean i go to Rutgers, so getting to the other building wasn’t such a big deal for me… but for everyone that came to take the LSATs at Rutgers but doesn’t actually go to Rutgers… it was a challenge! One kid, candidly, suggested it was actually a practice logic game to help our brains focus :). Thank goodness i left early to leave ample leeway time.

I’ve been sick since monday, so i didn’t get too much studying done in the week leading up to, but i hope i did fine. If not, i can always retake them in December… i hope i don’t have to though! I HATE being sick ( i KNOW no one likes being sick!), and this constant weather change is driving me crazy… and is definitely the root of me being sick.

On another note, i began my senior year of college early this month! I can’t believe i am a senior in college… where has the time gone?! I remember my first day of school ever, starting second grade in canada once we moved there, then seventh grade when i moved to new jersey, starting high school, then college… and now it’s almost over! I really wish it would slow down a little! To think that in May, i will be a college graduate is AMAZING and weird!

All of this, of course, means that i have started looking at law schools and have began the process that goes along with it (letters of recommendations and whatnot), which has been a little nerve-wracking. All of it seems so surreal.

Oh, and Rutgers Football season is well underway as well! I’ve only been to one of the games so far… and haven’t really been following it to well this year because of the time constraint, but it’s still been fun when i do get the chance. Hopefully i’ll get a chance to go to a couple of more games this season… especially since it’s the last year i’ll be a student here.